


Captain Pescanova

by zezo



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, idk really i hate them but captain pescanova lives inside my head rent free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26323411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zezo/pseuds/zezo
Summary: Peter hates fish and Elias is a terrible husband
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas
Kudos: 11





	Captain Pescanova

The tundra docked on a cold January evening (even if all evenings in the UK are cold) as their lone Captain made his way towards his ex(ex?)husband. He is tending his right arm and on his other hand is an umbrella he's using as an extravagant walking cane. He doesn't really need it but that with his monocle gives him what he calls a "sophisticated but frightening" look, something which can open even the most resistant doors and once inside automatically strike as superior. 

Peter went away on the Tundra 9 months ago as their honeymoon giving Martin away as a wedding gift to his now (ex (ex)?) husband. 

“Nice weather we're having” Peter smiles

“Not good trip I assume if you are resorting to feed of me” he said while taking his arm and beginning their stroll

“Oh contraire, it was extraordinary, but making your face flinch like that is a treat I cannot resist. You out of all people should know 'Mr I have eyes when everything even on the people who have explicitly asked me not to'” 

He shrugged smirking “Guilty as charged”

“Mr Bouchard, do I need to file divorce papers again?”

“Oh no Mr. Lukas, I guess the court will decide my alimony again” 

“You win this round Elias. Now where have you booked us for dinner using my hard earned money” 

“Dear, family inheritance does not count as hard and earn money. Anyway, I got us a reservation at Smith's, nine o' clock” 

“Smith's? Ugh I thought you knew I don't like fish” 

“What do you mean by 'I don't fish'? You are a sailor! ” 

“Exactly I spend six months eating the same thing, and then to take a bite of it without gagging.” he shivers “No, I don't eat fish at land, and I don't care how fancy, it won't enter my body” 

“How funny I thought you would be an expert on the matter, captain”

“Don't Captain me outside of business please” 

Elias salutes “Aye aye” 

Peter sighs

  
  
  


“So Mr I don't if I don't eat fish, what will we be having tonight at the fancy seafood restaurant?” 

“You can have as you please, eat a lobster on your own if that amuses you, I'll take whatever is the vegan option.”

“Oh my Captain is eating a salad! What a surprise” 

“Of course we could leave this fancy place you so nicely invited ourselves into and have a much rather enjoyable McDonald's menu.” 

“You wouldn't dare” 

“Hm, I don't know if my patreon feeds off canceled reservations, do you want to try?” 

“You win this round old man” 

“Old man, old man?” 

“I'll call you whatever I please and I'll have the lobster you proposed, it gave me an idea for a double dish: the fear of peasants watching a man eating the soul of a £300 lobster like an animal would add a nice compliment to it.” 

“Don't be a monster” he raises his champagne glass

“Aren't we all ready?” they toast

  
  


* * *

  
  


“So Elias what are we celebrating” 

“Oh nothing just one of our wedding anniversaries”

“Which one?” 

“The 1969, I believe” 

“Oooo, when we went to Hawaii and…”

“No, no that was before I told you that beard made you look like a barnacle eating bastard you decided to leave me after our Spanish honeymoon with all the wedding gifts” 

“Back to him when we still got them” 

“I told you we should have restricted ourselves to less than a wedding a year but the eclipse was 'so romantic' ”

“Was it not?” 

“Don't get me there.” 

“So what did you had in mind, we dine and wine, then have a terrible chat… ”

“As ways”

“... then we walk and then walk under the eye shaped moon so alone in the sky because all stars have left due to pollution…”

“ You're correct”

“... and then we have dessert.” 

“Cherry on top of a good night!” 

“Is it really?” 

“I don't know what you prefer: some frozen yogurt we can get at a random ice cream store or,” he pauses “something else. ” 

“Umm…” 

“Peter.” 

“It's a really complicated question, you know? ice cream has its benefits.” 

“Marry the damn ice cream.” 

“Maybe, depending how the night goes, I will.” 

“Peter…” 

“Elias…” 

Peter kissed Elias, pinning him against the apartment door trying to get his hands on the keys and out of his pocket, but Elias realizes and pushes his hands upwards. Peter, not conforming with that, kisses him deeper placing his left hand under his head and tries again to steal the keys from Elias' pants this time succeeding. 

“Aha” 

“I can't believe you tricked me” he stared at him in disbelief “oh well you know what I mean” 

“Do I?” 

“Come in, come in” 

  
  
  


“And what has our wonderful chef prepared for tonight?” 

“Nothing special just a little something I was saving for a special occasion” 

“Now I'm intrigued” 

“You should be captain” 

In Elias' dining room the enormous table with the size to host at least 3 families only used until today only used for poker night has been replaced by a small couples table with a turquoise tablecloth that somehow fits and contracts with the general yellow golden pallet filling the house from floor to ceiling. Elias helps Peter to sit after an hinting for a second that he was going to take away the chair. 

“Thank you gentleman, what kind of trickery have you planned for tonight, that you are behaving oh so well?” 

“None I swear” 

“Oh but you did that on our first wedding darling” 

“I did” 

They both laugh

“Dark or white wine?” 

“Dark, it always goes better with meat.”

Peter wink, Elias chuckles.

“No” 

“Oh don't mind me just a silly thought, dark it is” 

A whistle can be heard from the kitchen 

“That'll be the pasta I'll have to go” 

  
  


“Bon appetit” 

“Lasagna, you shouldn't have” 

“You should see what I have four seconds” 

“I'm scared” 

“Good” 

Peter sighs “So what is it, tuna, lobster sushi, what's going to end this marriage?”

“Peter, how could you think so low of me!” 

“I can read your shit eating grin, bring it up, let's get this over with so we can end this evening as soon as possible so I may return to my best lover the sea” 

“You're going to love with Peter oh so much, but if you insist” 

He brings fish sticks on a silver plate and the box they came in, the mascot is a smiling cartoony version of Peter with a hook. 

“I thought of naming it after you, but then that would be way too on the nose, right darling?” 

“Elias” 

“Yes Peter?” he stood up taking off his monocle

“I want another divorce” 

As he finished his sentence he pressed Elias against the wall throwing the table between them and all the food on it to the ground. Elias sighed 

“My carpe…” 

But he couldn't finish before Peter was kissing him breathless as he took both their rings off. 


End file.
